#the last pic scares myself sometimes

[neeeeeoposts]

ohhhhhg,, i hate them…… .. . … .. /aff

everyone say thanks to them for creating gays

[moonkhao]

hi.

[voikiraz]

Lover ; jungwon 정원 .

Lovers . bf!jungwon x fem!reader w. None step ? #766 M.recordings ! [ was supposed to post this a few hours ago but sorry i forgot ( gyuvin refrence ahaah ) ]

Syn. Lover jungwon and actions he does that makes you fold every time

ꕤ no matter how small this is but he loves to pick up shells with you from the beach you'll be on a trip with your friends and in the early morning you'll go sit on the beach a little, because it's always better and calming in the morning - like at 6 am or something - and he sees you putting on your jacket and he knows, he had to go with you! It's his job at this point.

When you see him running after you on the beach, he literally looks like a jumpscare. [ love you jungwon ]

"oh what are you doing here? I thought you were sleeping" you asked with a puzzled expression on your face.

"aren't you here to pick up shells?" he says as he shows the little container that has the words 'y/n and won's shells' on the front, he looks at you with sleepy eyes.

And you fall in love all over again from how cute he looks.

ꕤ you know how people collect pcs or pictures and such stuff?

Well he literally keeps Polaroids of you, every chance he gets, he just always has the camera in his backpack, like for what ?? TO TAKE PICS OF HIS LOVELY GIRL !!!

A sleepover? Pic, a date? Another pic, practice? Pic again, after a concert? GUESS WHAT. Another pic, I'm crying.

No cause he for real has a huge ass binder, and it's so pretty, in your favourite colour and it's decorated with pretty stuff and all.

Now guess what. He doesn't hide it from the boys, oh my lord.

He literally looks at them so many times, like he is WHIPPED!

"another picture?" You ask him, seeing how he's getting the camera from his bag.

He nods with a big grin, and you never said no to him, so you just pose, giving him your best smile, and he unconsciously smiles back.

How cute I wanna die.

ꕤ okay listen. First, Sunrise is better than sunset. Second. Watching the sunrise with won is a must.

It's honestly sickening, even tho watching the sunrise isn't like the most exciting thing, he always manages to make it one of your favourite days, saying something so special to you, or confessing to you how he was super in love with you for a long time before confessing, or accidentally telling you about the surprise he's making you for your anniversary, or just saying overly sweet stuff. Like okay king you can shut up now. (Sobbing)

"You wanna know something?" won asks you.

You were sitting on the beach while it was still dark, a few minutes till the sun completely rises.

Your head resting on his shoulders, and him playing with your hair.

You give him a hum, telling him you were listening.

"Sometimes I ask myself why I love you, and I never found an answer, it was starting to frustrated me, but then I realised that I wouldn't want to love you for a reason, what if the reason suddenly disappears, I'm scared I won't love you like I do now, so for as long as i breath and as long as you're next to me, I want to love you forever and unconditionally" he says, calm as ever as if he didn't just make your mind race.

You stare at him, eyes blown wide. And heart nearly jumping out of your chest.

ꕤ this boy. This is kind of similar to the jake one. This boy will always have your favourite snacks in a drawer in his room. Like HE NEVER RUNS OUT, so whenever you're having a sleepover or such, he has your favourite snacks just because.

"Man I wish I brought snacks on my way here" you say with a huff, while searching for a movie to watch with your boyfriend, you would've gone to the store, but with how far away from the dorm it was, you turned down that thought.

"What do you mean, I have snacks" he said as he went to his night stand, opening the last drawer to see it filled with all your favourite stuff, you stared at him.

"Won oh my god, you don't even like most of these stuff" you look at him with a pout.

"Yeah silly, they're for you not me, take whatever you want." He said, going back to laying on the bed.

You gave him a kiss as a thank you and ever since then he always has some snacks in his drawer, I mean, he can't say no to a kiss now, can he?

© voikiraz 2O24

[worthlesstrashgirl]

How i developed a stalking kink

I was talking to an older man online for a few months, we mostly talked sexually, i enjoyed getting him off, it always made me feel good to know i made him happy. I'd send him pics occasionally, sometimes risky, sometimes just normal pics from my day cos he liked seeing what outfit i was wearing. We were never too personal, we just knew which state each of us lived in. He'd seen me but i'd only seen his cock.

This one Saturday, i woke up and he'd already messaged me and we continued to talk throughout the day. I sent him some pics of me in bed before i got up, i went to the mall and sent him one of my outfit in the mirror of a store. I picked up a new outfit, tried it on and sent him a pic of that too, he said he liked and asked what store it was from, i told him. He showed me him jerking himself off to the picture, which i loved. We talked online again that night and did the usual dirty talk until we came again.

A couple of weeks later, during the week he was bringing up the outfit i'd sent him that day from the store and that he wanted to see me in more of their clothes. He said he'd send me some money to buy some as long as he got to see them, i liked getting him off so i was happy to. He told me to go back there that Saturday.

On that Saturday morning we were talking early again, talking about the kinda stuff i was gonna buy and show him. He asked what i'd be wearing so i showed him, it was some tight jeans and a cute top, he said he wanted to see me in little gym shorts so i put some instead and showed him again, which he liked and told me to wear those for the day instead. I obeyed of course. We kept messaging throughout the day as i tried on outfits, sent him pictures, as i walked around the mall, on the way there and back. I helped him cum again that night.

The next morning i woke up to a message from him with a video, it said 'you looked hot yesterday', i opened the video and it was 6 and a half minutes long, edited down from a much longer period of time. It was video of me walking around the mall, this camera focused on my ass in my tight little shorts, watching my ass sway, inches away from me as i shopped for clothes, as i bent down, a few seconds peeking under the changing room door up at me. I couldn't believe someone could film my ass for so long and i had no idea he was even there, how did i not notice the same man behind me this whole time, was i really that unaware of my surroundings? Apparently so. There were a few minutes unedited of this camera just focused on my ass as i walked, seeing a pov shot of a man stalking me without me having any idea and part of it turned me on, knowing this man had stalked me, watched my ass, how many other men had just stared at my ass without filming it? Or without me knowing? I liked seeing their pov of objectifying me, how men see me, how men enjoy me as i walk around minding my own business.

The last minute of the video was following me onto a bus, standing right next to me, camera almost touching my ass as i see myself just focused on my phone, having no clue this man was even there. Watching me walk off the bus, down a busy street, a time i remember i was messaging this man and he was replying, apparently from right behind me. Then finally the video nears the end as i turn towards my house and walk to my front door, this man keeps walking, moves behind a fence, pans the camera down and takes out his cock, which he strokes a couple times and the video ends.

I've never felt so conflicted, i had so many feelings, one second i was scared, the next i was turned on, the next i thought of all the worst case scenarios that this man knows my address, then how he's pleasured himself to stalking me. Was he outside my house when i made him cum that night? Was he in a local hotel, was he home? He didnt live that far from me. He could obviously tell i'd read it, seen it and it had been like 10 minutes without replying, still trying to process it all, so i get another message 'you liked that didnt you', and i was honest. I said yes. It turned out he'd figured out what store i was in by a phone number on the window in the store from the pic i'd sent him in the mirror. He'd googled it, found it, and wanted me to go back there so he could video me. It just so turned out that he spotted me before either of us even got to the store, so he just starting following me from then.

We kept talking alot for nearly a year, occasionally i'd tell him if i was going somewhere, most of the time it didnt matter, but on a few occasions i'd get another video a day or two after of him spying on me. I was so much more aware, i kept trying to spot men filming me, but i still never noticed him. One of the hottest and most simple vids i got was of me just exiting my house and walking down the street, him zooming on my ass from his car, like he'd been waiting there for god knows how long, then panning down and showing him jerking off until he came.

He never actually did anything to me, never disturbed me, never groped me, never even said hello, just candidly filmed me and showed me it afterwards. I loved to see him pleasure himself to stalking me, he got off to that aspect of it. I got off to it too.

Now i check out stuff like candid tumblrs just wondering if i'll ever see myself on there, has another man ever filmed me? Has he ever posted it for other men to get off to? Is someone getting off to a pov of objectifying me? I hope so.

[winryrockbellwannabe]

✨Get Ready with me...✨

for the second semester of my 3rd year of college

Part 2: Friendships and Mental Health (all pics from Pinterest)

(Part 1: academic life and free time in here)

🪩 Friendships: 🥤

- No more people pleasing. Like the wonderful @zzzzzestforlife was saying on her post, it's time to stop being ppl pleasing. And i took it at heart lol Ofc it's not going to be an extreme thing, there must be an effort in friendships, but I gotta learn to prioritize myself when I'm with friends - As I said before, i want to become more intentional about my time. So, like, actually scheduling plans with friends, instead of ending up every other afternoon at the coffee shop complaining about life. Don't get me wrong, i do love one good gossip session, but it does keep the negativity around us and it leaves me drained sometimes. And I don't want to be drained after being with my friends - Take more decisions. That does sound more like a mental health thing, than a friendship thing, but i find it harder to make decisions when it implies other ppl, and i overthink if they even wanted to do whatever i planned for in the first place. So I'm going to start realizing that I can make my own choices and trust ppl to tell me if they hated it.

🍃🪻Mental health:🪻🍃

- i would like to try to implement a morning and bedtime routine. I really do think that that would be beneficial for me. (maybe ill try to hold myself accountable for this on my posts too). Especially a no screens bed time routine - in this same theme - reduce screen time - something i still do a lot is biting my nails. It's not something i manage to stop overnight, most times i manage to stop i end up getting even "worse" habits, like biting my lips, or picking skin. So find better coping mechanisms - go on walks. touch some grass lol. now the weather is getting nicer again, so i can get around to do this again - and in general just take my time. I feel like those last 3 years passed in a rush and i barely noticed the time passing by, and that scares me tbh.

And that's it :)) I'll try to hold myself accountable for some of this stuff in my posts, but ofc I'm not expecting to achieve all of this consistentively. It's more about being aware of what i want to get better at and try to make that effort😊

[knifedog-machina]

Dogs As Narrative, Through The Lens Of Abuse Recovery

J: so I got into the Archetropers’ Guild discord server, saw a prompt, and immediately started writing answers because wow talking about myself is fun, I need to do that more? definitely a more informal essay than the last one, I really just copied it from discord!

Content Warning: mentions of past abuse, but it’s pretty vague and has a hopeful swing to it!

I identify with dogs, as a dog, in the metaphorical sense of like - a dog as shorthand for a beloved tool? Being a bad actor's attack dog, being used and abused, biting the hand that fed and hit you. Dogs in the way they're used in vent art, as a metaphor for loving and trusting the wrong person.

But I also identify with dogs as beloved companions, as sweet and loyal and playful and loved. I know people who adore their dogs even if they came from horrible circumstances and have bad habits from abuse, and like - it's a narrative identity for me, something that ties together very different parts of my life, the before and after.

Like, yeah okay, I'm a dog. I unquestioningly love and trust people I care about. Of course an abuser took advantage of me, I didn't know better, and she promised to love me but she wouldn't even comfort me when I was scared of the rain. But also, there are way more people in the world who love me and want me to be happy, and that's good to remember as I recover and heal and grow! Calling myself a dog means accepting the way I adore people as a neutral to positive trait, instead of becoming a paranoid mess who refuses to be vulnerable again.

I don't know how much it's a species thing, because whenever I try to picture myself as a dog it's more like the shadow of a dog, pricked ears and bushy tail and all black, no detailing. I feel Wrong about picturing myself as a more realistic dog, instead of an artistic rendering of a black dog - like for dog photography to Resonate with me, it cannot be someone's candid pics of their pet German shepherd rolling around, it has to have some kind of message intended for use, otherwise it's like. That's a normal dog! I do not identify with you, normal dog, you're very cute but that's it. You’re unrelated to my life narrative!

And I don't generally feel the need to introduce myself to people as a dog when new people hear about me, because that feels like it's more personal? like hey, I’m a dog, you wanna know why? It's The Traumas! I’m open enough about it, but I don’t want to be pushed into thinking about it, and sometimes alterhuman spaces grill you about the origin of your identity too much for my comfort? I’m talking about it now because I want to, not because I’m being pressured into sharing.

I say all that, but I do really like cultivating my doggish traits, because they're kind of just things I like already - exercise, chewing and biting as a stim, play-fighting, getting scritched, curling up in a little ball to sleep. And sometimes I like giving myself phantom ears or tail or fangs for the expressiveness of them. I feel perfectly complete without them, but I like having them sometimes! They're fun!

And I don’t know if it just has to be an archetrope? I can describe it in other ways! Poppy (@aestherians) coined a term on rair website, here, about something being an alterhuman simile if you relate to it so strongly because it reflects your lived experiences, and I think I could call dogs my simile just as naturally as calling them my archetrope. It's a useful word and I haven't seen it around much!

[cpidscloud]

20 for anyone!!

20. pets !! any stories/fun facts about them ?

🐰 answering !!

"ooo, i love this question!" hana smiles as her hands clap together excitedly, "i'm the one with the most pets in our dorm, so i'll answer!" her hands go to her phone as she pulls up her photos of her pets. "this one's teokki, this is bingsu, and finally dubu!" she turns her phone towards the camera as she scrolls through her photos, showing off pictures of a white bunny, a black and white bunny, and very round little white hamster. "i've had teokki for the longest, she's about 4 years old! she's super cute, but she's the least social of my pets. she doesn't let most people interact with her.. she's got a big attitude!" she laughs. "i have a room all to myself in the dorm, so i got to move her in with me when we all first moved into the dorm. vivi has a really sensitive nose, so she doesn't like to come into my room.. hm? i clean their enclosures all the time!!" hana shakes her head as minnie teases her about the supposed rabbit smell of her room. "anyways.." she pouts, "teokki is super particular! out of my members, she only really lets aeri pick her up and kicks if anyone else tries to. she's funny like that! bingsu is the complete opposite, she's super cuddly with everyone!" hana scrolls to a video of the bunny curling into mars' arms, smiling wide as it plays. "isn't she the cutest? she looks like oreo bingsu right? that's how she got her name!" hana giggles as she scrolls through more photos of bingsu before landing on a video of her hamster. "and then my last baby is dubu! he's my youngest kid, i got him last year. he's super round and squishy! he's so greedy with his food but his full cheeks are so cute.. i spent a lot of time researching and setting up his enclosure before i got him, it's really big and he loves burrowing! i don't handle him as much because he's nocturnal, but sometimes he'll eat from my hand in the morning! he bit hayden one time when he visited, so now hayden's scared of him." she laughs as she recalls the memory, remembering how the lovepill member had shrieked so funnily from something so tiny. she shows off a few more pictures of her pets before shutting off her phone and putting it away. "that's all of my babies! aside from my pets, we also have mars' kitty in our dorm! if i ever get more time, i would love to have sugar gliders, they're the cutest! i really love seeing all the fans' funny comments when i post photos of my kids, especially on teokki's pics! i promise she's nice guys!!"

bunnyinmyheart: AHAHA DOES THIS MEAN SHES SEEN THE TEOKKI "i know what you are." PHOTOS

vivilovebot: hana the people beg for more dubu pics!!

son1cpilled: the hayden mention 😭😭

[throne-for-queens]

Confession time: years ago to try to keep a man (who was no good for me and vice versa) I actually bought a fake + pregnancy test online and texted him the pic of it. Of course he went ghost until I revealed it was fake. I wanted to scare him too and it worked. I couldn't calculate how I would keep faking the fake pregnancy so I came clean.

Please don't judge me but I was young and dumb clichely. I would never do that again.

Point of telling that is bc sometimes we women scorned do crazy ass things to try to keep men.

And if it does turn out the baby is not his and she faked everything I would not be totally surprised.

And well if she is pregnant and the baby isn't his, after that Insta stunt she pulled last year and her book, I would not be surprised.

Or if she's pregnant by him and maybe lied she was on BC etc. would not be surprised.

To be quite honest with myself, I would be shocked, because there's a part of me that still thinks she wouldn't go that far. If I am wrong in any way, I will have a straight Pikachu face for days. Because she's in her mid to late 30s and based on the climate of our world and empathy for moms who are struggling to conceive she would be insane to do something like that so publicly.

And thank you for sharing your story, I'm sure there are many women who have a similar story. I'm glad you've grown and learned from it, all love to you 🧡

[airysunfairy]

Forgot to tell y’all that I went to the last home Jays game of the year - by myself! Took a lot of courage and I didn’t get there until the 5th inning, but having general admission tickets meant I was standing for 4 innings and my legs were sore anyhow so it’s probably for the best lol. Here are some of the selfies I took (can you see how scared I am lmao) and some more pics and videos!!

This is me “taking a picture with the team” as people were leaving

And of course I hung up on my brother to take a picture with my summer boyfriend

My two viewpoints - the first was where I stood at my first game of the year, then I switched it up halfway through and actually found a little spot to rest against! It was such a beautiful day and the sun was right on me. Paradise!

Everyone standing for Vladdy’s last at bat 🥹 (I also got videos of the Hey Baby song, and Davis’ at bat but I can only add one video apparently :( )

I loved seeing Vladdy and Bo together, and so had to her a pic of my little Kirky boy 😭🫶🏼

It was golden hour so I tried to be a photographer 💀 welp

I wanted to buy this dirt because this was the night that I called Davis’ walk off home run like 3 innings before it happened 💀 but alas it was the Jays shop so it was nearly $40 LOL

And for those that didn’t notice:

I painted little baseballs on my eyes because that’s the kind of person I am lol ⚾️ If there’s a theme, I’m theme-ing!!

Anywho, that was my solo adventure. Won’t even go into the lord of the rings level journey I had to take to get there, even as someone who lives in the city 💀 the TTC is a nightmare sometimes! But thanks for tuning in lmao, I have more pics of the city that I might post sporadically as I do.

Miss my boys already 🫶🏼⚾️

[iridessence]

Hi💖 I was wondering as you have such a big following on here, how you deal with all of the messages and follows from pervy gross dudes? I’m starting to deal with so many that it’s hard to even block them all, Sometimes it’s hard to want to keep posting pics of myself because I’m scared of the reaction from them, and it used to be so fun before all of that unwanted attention. I could really use some advice and I really admire you. Sending well wishes and love your way!! XO

Hi there, I’m sorry you’ve been struggling with this. Honestly I’ve been blocking people regularly for like the last 10 years. It’s a very annoying process. My creative output has skewed more feminine for feminity's sake so it tends to attract more women and people who appreciate femininity beyond the hyper sexual lens, but beyond that it’s really just a matter of continuous blocking. I even have a canned message I send to certain accounts that have re-blogged me where I ask them kindly (🤢🙄) to remove my post because it makes me uncomfortable. Sometimes they do, sometimes they get angry, sometimes they just never respond and I just block them. I wish I had an easy solution for you but there isn’t really one in my experience

[ashadowofburnedoutstardust]

It's still PR, and bad PR at that, and all of the trolling and BS that came with it, along with all of this / ah sorry, to be honest I dont really know what it is anymore. Sometimes I feel it is real with some trully shitty PR. However, I meant it for that I saw one of those blogs saying he HAS to marry her it is in the contract blablabla so I thought okay maybe they really get married and they just try to acam people as a last depressed attempt by knowing that.

to be honest, as soon as they rushed trough NYC on that stupid papwalk, I was out. I come back every once in a while to see what is going on, but I see the shitshow will literally never end.. at least it feels like it

Hello anon

I get what you mean now

I remember seeing the papwalk confirmation and throwing my phone across the room, I know of many people who did the same thing

Technically it is correct that you can't force someone to marry someone else, no contract can force that, that's still human trafficking

A last attempt? I can understand your feelings on that, but these scammers have been floating around for a long time during the entire shitshow

I once had people asking me if I was CandyLove in my DMs long before I ever made contact with the ACTUAL CandyLove myself, so these people have been running this stuff by my estimates at least a year

So many people have been hacked and threatened, and it's probably been the same group across multiple platforms doing the same things in order to scare off his supporters and anyone with legitimate information that could contradict the "Narrative" they were trying to use to discredit his reputation

The papwalk, lol, the park sprint, does he really look like he actually wants to be there?

Here's the thing I've come to realise about Christopher

He appreciates a double entendre and a good theme or two 🤓, he knows precisely what he's doing in regards to all of this I won't deny that but it got out of his control, everything he has done about this PR shitshow has been in some way to subtlely sabotage it and speak in "code" to those who could recognise it

Take the melty emoji comment, and the BuzzFeed posting the article with the real meanings of it, take his comment on Taika and Rita's scare video "I support this" two people in a relationship one of the a POC as well as Jewish after all of the questions about whether or not he cares about THAT girls past,

All of the things he has done in the last year as well as help from various news outlets have been to try and signal his TRUE feelings and what he does stand for while he's been trapped in trying to ride out this shitshow along with the rest of us, as well as trying to imply just how BS the situation was

I think him taking a break from social media is a signal of him regaining control of the situation but I hope people understand that ALL of this has probably been stressful for him as well on many levels, so as much as I miss the pics and videos of the goodest baby boy, I think he is genuinely taking a step back and a break to recoup and rest

I wish I still had the reading I did recently on this as it indicated as such but I don't have the notes anymore

I think Christopher will be back after he's taken care of a few things

💜🪽🌟

[blackbird-brewster]

All the even numers >:)

Bahahaha, alright Anon. I saved this for last.

2. Do you drink tea or coffee? How do you take it? 

(Answered here)

4. Do you sleep on your back, stomach or side? 

I'm a side sleeper, mostly facing outwards. But sometimes, I wind up on my back and when I do I snore so loud Doom Them has to wake me up.

6. Do you prefer drawing or writing? 

I can't draw for shit. Writing is my creative talent

8. What’s your favourite band/artist? 

I have SO many. I listen to a wild range of music. Everything from ska to indie rock to punk to emo to pop. Some of my all-time fave bands include: The Killers, Foreigner, Avett Brothers, Postal Service, Betty Who, Beyonce, Lizzo, Tegan and Sara.

10. How tall are you? 

5'6" or 168 cm

12. Who are five (or more) people you want to hug right now? 

@otahkoapisiakii @bittersweet-bibliophile @the-kazoo-kid @gaelic-symphony @mygenitiveisobjective

14. What’s your favourite colour? 

(Answered here)

16. Want any tattoos? What of? 

I have around 35 tattoos (hard to count when you have half sleeves and such). I DO want more tattoos, but in the past two years one of my chronic conditions has made it so I'm allergic to my tattoos. They get welts and hives all the time. Which really sucks because uhhhh, my entire body is covered in them 🤷‍♂️

18. Who is the last person you texted? 

I sent Frankie some smut as a little treat!

20. What/who do you miss? 

I miss all my loves in the US. But in terms of 'what' -- the thing I miss everyday is being able to leave my house without it having to be an entire Event. I miss life before the pandemic where I didn't have to take 100 pre-emptive steps to protect myself every time I go out. I miss 2020 when everyone (in my country) was in this together, when everyone was masking and staying home when they were sick, when everything was accessible by being online. I miss when people cared.

The pandemic isn't over. Some of us have never left lockdown.

22. How much sleep did you get last night? 

I actually went to sleep hella early. I was asleep before my daily kudos email (this is how I tell time, okay?) which comes about 00:20. Then, I got up early with Doom Them -- so I think I got about 7 hours? I only need 5-6 to be functional.

24. When was the last time you cried? Why? 

Last night I cried from laughing so hard at this picture of our cat

26. What are some seemingly childish things you like? 

I don't believe joy has an age limit. I'm a regular at our local toy stores, I know all the staff, I'm always buying new fidget toys and Squishmallows. I got into Squishmallows about the same time I got my Autism dx (mid-2020) and since then, Squish have become a constant form of comfort for us. We currently have about 300 in our collection -- and that's after some major downsizing. There's no way to know how many squish we've rotated through over the years. Here's the last full squad photo we took in Jan 2022 (there's nowhere in our house to do a full pic of the 300 we have currently)

28. How are you, really? 

I'm actually doing well this week. Summer weather arrived without warning and my depression is lifting. I feel really inspired for the first time in weeks!

30. What are you looking forward to in the near future? 

Finishing Fooled Around (and Fell in Love) - Part 3!!!!!!!!

32. If you could go anywhere right now, where would you go? 

If I could see my US friends without actually having to go to the US itself, that would be perfect.

34. What’s your favourite flower? 

(Answered Here)

36. Do you like your middle name?

Not really. My middle name is the name of some random ski instructor my parents met the year before I was born (I have theories about this, about why my dad randomly remembered this person's name -- but that's a whole other thing. Oh, and also that's one of my middle names, it's complicated. I have like 5 names)

38. Do you have any phobias? 

Ornithophobia (fear of birds). Also scared of horses, cows, and airbags.

40. Do you like the beach? Do you prefer it sunny or cloudy? 

YES!! I love living ten minutes from the beach. We go there a lot to relax and scream at the ocean. I prefer sunny weather, hands down, but it's cloudy 90% of the time here.

42. Tag 5 of your favourite blogs

Oh, this is really difficult. I'll just tag some rad mutuals: @knitmeapony @chaotic-archaeologist @unitchiefs-blackbirdphoenix @gaelic-symphony @artcake

44. Who was the last person you said “I love you” to? 

I've said 'I love you' to at least five people today and it's only 10am. And I meant every one of those. I'm very much the type of person who loves my partners and friends openly and freely.

46. What do you need when you’re sad? 

Cranky Cave(tm)! Cranky cave is when I'm having meltdowns. I go to my room and turn on the fairy lights and galaxy projector. Grab a ton of squish and fidgets. Bury myself in blankets. And watch my comfort shows.

48. Who’s someone you can trust with your life? 

Doom Them, Kay, Coyote.

[Send Me Asks]

[somediyprojects]

The Tapestree Project is a memory cloth/tapestry stitched and designed by Rachel Samek (née Piso). This is an ongoing project in which she documents her life in cross-stitch. She stitches memories, current events, and anything that especially interests her. She keeps an online journal to recount why she chose certain motifs. The tapestree is stitched on 45ct. ivory Graziano linen with a range cotton embroidery thread. The cloth measures about three feet wide by two feet high.

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Descriptions under the cut.

pics 1 & 2— I stitched these little gold scissors this week to remember the foggy, intense few months immediately following the birth of my boys. If you knew me around that time, you know that when I was just about 7 months pregnant, I was diagnosed with preeclampsia and received an emergency C-section at 31 weeks. All three guys were incredibly tiny (Charlie was 2 lb 12 oz) and as expected, they would go on to spend long (long, long) stretches in the NICU. Also expectedly, I was a wild mess. I was spending long days at the hospital in the middle of winter, feeling powerless, and as a result, I was killing myself trying to pump enough to keep up with three infants. During those delirious nights of waking up every few hours, I would collapse in front of Hulu (probably rewatching The Handmaid's Tale) and Hulu would do what Hulu did best: repeat the exact same commercial every 20 minutes. During those first weeks, that commercial was a trailer for the upcoming horror movie "Us." The score of the two-minute trailer is so unsettling that even though I would sometimes scramble to switch it off, it was also weirdly comforting to be shocked out of my weepy, helpless state of zombiehood. This came with the price of scaring myself shitless when I had to walk back to bed at 3 AM with the slowed-down, beefed up version of "I Got 5 On It" on repeat in my head. These scissors, a symbol from the movie, represent those weird, difficult postpartum nights. Whenever I hear the first few chords from the trailer, I'm immediately back in 2019, freezing cold on our old couch, fully panicked at life.

pics 3 & 4— I added more hairwork to my tapestree! Last fall, I cross stitched a tiny design using my boys’ hair. I tried again this weekend, using my own hair to make this equally tiny bird. One of the questions I get a lot with this project is whether I get burned out working on the same thing for so long. Yes, I get sick of it, mostly due to the pressure I put on myself to include things (like current events) out of obligation. This bird was one way to bring “me” back into it. If you know anything about the Victorians, you know that they loved crafting with hair. One way was braiding a lock and placing it in a book with a poem underneath—creating an ode to a person’s essence. Since it was fashionable to be sentimental, they made similar keepsakes as jewelry and other textile art. I’ve talked in the past about how much of a nightmare it is working with hair, but if you’re interested in seeing my process, you can find a highlight on my page that covers my last attempt. I also included a picture of the back of my stitching (first time ever!) so you can see the ridiculous knot it creates.

pics 5-7— I have a new tapestree addition! It's the weird little quilt at the very bottom! I have a bin in our basement with a bunch of the boys' preemie onesies. I have plans to make a quilt with them, but since that probably won't happen for another 20 years, I wanted to add something small to my tapestree. Half of the quilt blocks are snipped from the clothes with patterns that have the strongest memories of the boys being in the hospital (the white parts are fabric, for example). The rest is filled in with solid cross stitch. It's been a crazy few weeks! I recently started working full time again (from home, fortunately!) and we're starting to plan the boys' third birthday on December 14th. I can't believe it.🤍

[whatimdoing-here]

weird personal update under cut, mostly for those who've been around awhile. i guess i can put an intro too.

honestly there are so many new followers here i'm assuming for gif reasons but... like.. sorry guys. it's a fairly rare thing. others do them better and quicker than me for the most part. my poor 7 year old laptop i make them on is a struggle. new person intro to me below, but first let me get to the part where i journal so it's off my chest.

i use tumblr as a journal of sorts. and honestly it's thanks to tumblr in general i started questioning my sexuality when i was in my mid 20s. living in a very white, conservative state - even if you live in a liberal family, that shit just gets ingrained. i was never homophobic or anything, just didn't consider anything other than straight an option. long story short, figured the bi was the best label for me at that time, definitely made me feel better, and more like myself. my partner (husband) was like yeah that's cool all good i support you let me know if you need anything from me and it's been great since.

another... long-ish story in a shorter form... i started struggling the last year or two with all of it again. just feelings and s.x feelings and whatever, a big reason of why i started therapy. basically come to the decision i land on the ace spectrum somewhere. i know much less about being asexual, and it definitely doesn't feel as "good" coming to this realization. i think i probably fall close to the demi- label. but labels and feelings are hard. and since 1) i'm pretty uneducated and 2) no one wants to hear about my sx life, i'm not going to go into things. i just wanted to throw out there that... i'm still figuring shit out. this convo with m was a lot harder, went a lot worse. then there was a better second convo. he's still supportive, it's just harder for reasons that are personal to him so i won't delve into. our relationship is okay, he doesn't want to open our marriage, and not much has changed honestly. i'm still trying to figure out my boundaries, and where my 'am i doing this because i want to or feel like i have to' lines are. it's... not fun. adding to that that if things ever came to the point where our marriage wouldn't work... that completely changes not only my life in a large way, but the kids, and m's. that is the fuckin scariest thing. sexuality discovery would be way less scary if i wasn't scared it will eventually negatively affect people in my life. i'm very much a "i will accept this thing that's not great for me and be quiet to keep the calm and happiness of those around me" in most cases. i don't like taking up space for myself. it's been a rough couple months.

anyway if i had to label i'd go with biromantic, asexual (with some ace labels i may or may not ever figure out)

getting older is a fuckin trip. you think you should know what you want and who you are but no one really knows. and life changes us and we discover more about who we are. for those newbies that are not even 20... your 20s and 30s are great. just... be prepared to shift and change and evolve and be okay with that.

anyway. new folks. i'm alex. i live in the middle of the us. i have two kids (boys, 8 and 5) that... i've been on tumblr longer than either of them have been alive. i work from home in (broadly) a data role within a corporation. i enjoy my work, its flexibility, and just data in general. give me numbers. i've been married for 14 years this june, and i'll be 34 in july.

i watch nwsl and uswnt for sports mostly. working on reading more novels again. obviously my tv obsessions are clear within minutes of looking at my blog. i talk parent stuff too sometimes, it's obviously a big part of who i am, but i'll leave their names and pics off the blog for their safety. i'll show my stupid face here though. sometimes i'll talk about seizures (i have them occasionally, unfortunately, and my brain isn't feeling great right now) and other medical stuff if it's bothering me because this place really is like a journal release for me. i hold some stuff back but yeah. i'll tag with 'personal nonsense' if you want to mute. sometimes i post and delete because i read it again later and decide no one needs to read that shit.

you're always welcome to say hi. i'm fairly harmless, but also keep walls up until i know you better.

uhhh i think that's it. mmmbye

[postwarlevi]

Happy New year Eliza💗💗💗💗

Thank you Mia! Happy New Year! (I love your profile pic! Marie is a doll!)

How are you doing?! I managed to survive the fireworks and though am still wearing earplugs for a few more nights to be safe, think (hope!) the big ones are over. Sometimes my neighbors don't know when to stop.

I see you've been writing a lot! I'm sorry to say I'm a bit behind on all my reading but have things from you saved to get to as soon as I can get myself focused!

Is there anything specific you want to get to this year? I'm still trying a writing schedule. It worked out okay last month, I got to most everything I wanted and though a couple things got pushed back, I'm still proud of what I managed to write, especially considering I'd been very quiet for a while before that.

I have 2 things on my slate, not all Levi or romantic centered but things I hope people will enjoy! I'm adding to my list slowly and hope to get to 3 or 4 smaller things total, plan a possible event in the next couple months, and work on one of the longer series I share the ideas for and still haven't managed to write! Those longer ones scare me! I believe you just concluded a series though, how fantastic! (It's on my reading list!)

I hope you are well and can't wait to spend more time talking to you!

[mxmasters]

who do u consider closer friends out of the GAW?

ahh, well, "close" is relative. GAW is a lot like family, in that there's lots of people in the mix and you don't really know all of them as much (or as little) as you might want to.

mind you, they're also comrades, so I'd step up and fight for any of 'em. Especially the kids. it's a fucked-up world and they need someone in their corner.

last thing: I have, uh. problems. sharing past events. so I'm scared of getting too close to certain people. you know how it is.

aside from that... wait, am I allowed to be specific?

I don't see a problem with it, so long as we make one thing clear: only a few of these characters are original to the MxTape. Everything else is based on my interpretations of existing works, and the original authors always have the final say.

MxTape Originals, aka Steal These OCs

Doreen Gray (alwaysbpositive): Met her because of my delivery work. She needed some ethically-sourced B+, and I knew some queer people with units to spare. Not like Canadian Blood Services wants it! Homophobes. Anyway we've been friendly ever since. She's got two moods: energetic and depressed. I can relate.

meatgerm: I've crashed on this man's couch twice and still don't know his name. Do NOT eat his cooking! He WILL prank you. Really good fiddle player, though.

Tanya Miller (twilight_tone): Extremely close! We are partners! Sometimes we even dream together.

Louis (WHEREISMYHOG): never met IRL but he's got some wild stories and a solid understanding of magical theory.

Penelope Gore (whistl_stahp): yo we've talked about this.

MxTape Guests, aka Upcoming Attractions

Desmond Callaghan (gothicalfallacy): really, really cool! Hand member. Fellow Jojo appreciator. Probably the only person I know who understands theory better than WHEREISMYHOG. Go-to-guy for questions. Too bad he's only available, like, half the time.

Judith Feingold (thisisstupid12345): Desmond's sister; also a Hand member. Barely involved with GAW, but she kept logging into her brother's account and bones said that was against the rules, so here we are. Not magical, but very, very keen on guns, so she mostly talks with _FuddruckeR_.

GAW Members, aka "Janitors call us PoIs"

bones: we got to talking after the whole "terrestrial years" thing, and as it turns out... it's not doing a bit! an actual alien satellite. That sorta blew my mind. bones is a bit short and perfunctory sometimes but I think it's just doing the absolute best it can with people it doesn't entirely understand, which... same, tbh?

acuterobot: adorable. following her tumblr blog got me in some trouble, but I don't hold that against her.

polaricecraps: ehhh complicated. I see a lot of myself in PIC, but he's smarter than I was at his age and that cuts both ways. He's in it for the right reasons but speaking from experience, that's a great way to shoot yourself in the foot. He also lost my fucking TAPE but I puked in his van a while back so we're calling it even.

Andressa (gaycopmp4) and Dahlia (hetcopogg): literally the cutest couple I've ever seen. Fierce, passionate, committed to justice... and, uh, their kid? pretty sure Heather (Ms. Mad About Video Games) counts as their daughter. I send them tons of care packages with how-to books and chill retro games.

Armand (harmpit): extremely funny, lots of cool tricks, really difficult to understand in conversation. Marginally easier in text.

kkrule and kektagon: drive me ABSOLUTELY FUCKING INSANE. They're basking in the low-grade background radiation of the Internet and they're going to get emotional cancer. I've been there and I desperately want to help steer them out of it but GOD DAMN they are insufferable.

opossum: even worse. Probably the single most abrasive person I've ever met. Always arguing. Banned multiple times but never perma'd.

FreakyGhostBed: doesn't get out much, so I installed a media server in his family's basement so he can keep busy while they're asleep. we've hung out a few times since then. we mostly talk about movies.

_FuddruckeR_ and orbhorse: live and work on a ranch in the Southern States. Fantastic hosts, so long as you can tolerate Fudd plinking at targets all day.

CommunismAnarchismNihilism: incredible source for zines and materiel, a decent percentage of which have some kind of juice to them. We trade stuff. we also argue a lot (politics) but that's all in good fun (I think?)

fallout_meta.txt: escaped some real nasty characters to become a better person. I respect that, and I respect their top-tier opsec, because I don't know a single thing about them besides what's necessary.

FunkoPopFan1: not very active in the chat (super shy), but extremely resourceful, good at manipulating plastics, and passionate about her hobbies. Sadly one of those hobbies is collecting funko pops.

tabris, hybridRainbow, starspark, chokerless and bluefootedboobies: I would ride or die for all these kids.

And finally, The Big Three.

Esther Kogan (lesbian_gengar): friendly in the chat but we haven't met in person, bc she has deep ties in Three Ports and maybe she heard something about my fuckup back in 2008. On the other hand... remember what I said about having a type? The type who could kick my ass? Well, LG could definitely do that. In fact she could probably fry my brain. Yow!

JJ (jockjamsvol6): this dude defies description. I mean yes, he's hot, and he's chill, but the second he walks into a room... you know you're in for some shit. JJ is always EXACTLY where he's supposed to be, and as a genre-savvy person, that is TERRIFYING, because the narrative flows AROUND HIM. It's like watching someone waltz through a hurricane; it's cool, but not super safe for whoever stands around gawking.

And lastly... Jude Kriyot (bluntfiend). The man, the myth, the legend. The guy who walked away from AWCY and lived to tell the tale. (Or lie about it, at least.)

This is where things get really difficult for me, cuz... well, I'm an anarchist. The idea of following any one guy doesn't appeal to me. BUT! there is no GAW without Jude, and once you meet him, you can understand why. He's got something special. Not confidence or charisma or whatever (he's actually a clumsy dork), but heart and integrity, for sure. He believes in humanity. He believes in something good, and when you're hanging out, you want to believe in it too.

That said, he's also a fucking mess. I'm not judging (I'm a mess too), but on some level, I like to think I'm getting my shit together. Jude is more like... uh, a shonen protagonist between story arcs. You know? He just sorta stews in his own funk. Depressed. Off in his own little world. Like Johnny Joestar, before meeting Gyro. There's only one person who can reliably shake him out of it, and... well, it's not me.

I admire Jude. I really do. I want to trust him with my secrets, but I can't, because he doesn't trust me with his. That's... fair. Trust is hard to earn. It's easier to lie. But when the chips are down, I've got Jude's back. I hope he'd do the same for me.